I thought I would sleep in this morning. I went to bed last night just after 10 pm and set my alarm for 8 am. I start work today at 9. When I woke up at 5 am, I did a no-no - I checked my work email on my phone (I am really trying to seriously leave work alone in my off hours, but often break my promise to myself!). Then I tried to go back to sleep.
I laid there in my bed for awhile and sleep wasn't happening. I thought about the work day ahead and felt pangs of of distress. I told those feelings 'I love you' over and over. I felt the disbelief in my body. I told those feelings of disbelief, 'I know you don't believe me because I have ignored you for so long, but I love you.' For every feeling of distress, panic, anxiety, despair I said the same thing. For every pang in my body of disbelief to my declarations of love, I said the same thing.
As I paid attention to every feeling, welcoming them into my consciousness, they eased. Only to have another step up for my attention and love. I even recognized the inchoate feelings, those that didn't know what description they fit, just that they existed and wanted to be acknowledged and loved.
At one point, I thought how does this serve these feelings if with my saying to them 'I love you' and they seem to disappear, doesn't that just annihilate them? Don't they want to stick around and keep receiving my love. The realization came to me that I wasn't killing them off with my loving statements, I was sending them home. They showed up for my love, received what they wanted and needed, and could safely, peacefully return home.
I am not sure what I mean by this, 'return home'. Are they transmuted? To transmute is to 'change form, nature, or substance'. Into what are they transmuted? It seems to me that the transmutation is an integration into my Self. They are no longer cutoff, ignored, repressed, but now embraced and integrated. They are welcomed home into my Self. They can rest now in safety. I haven't sent them home. I have welcomed them home.
(As I write this, I sense more feelings of discomfort. What the heck I am talking about? Why do I think I have any authority to think this might be of help to others? Who do I think I am that this has any value to share? I am loving those feelings, every single one, even the ones that disbelieve that I am loving them.)
Anyways, as I lay in bed realizing that sleep wasn't happening, I was inspired to get up, have coffee, and then exercise. I have a job that finds me with butt in chair all day long, and I haven't been exercising much lately. So, I am now sitting at my computer, again butt in chair, but before an open window with the early morning coolness drying the sweat after a high intensity (for me, anyways!) workout. I just showed myself some self-love on another level.
Next act of self-love - clean the kitchen. Now that's a way to re-frame my perspective on doing a chore! I have an hour and a half before work, and I am actually looking forward to cleaning the kitchen. I also noticed a pang of something at the thought of work...'I love you!'
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